WHEN I ASK THEM IF THEY THINK I'M SEXY,
THEY TELL ME THEY LOVE MY SMILE
Whenever Sab’s friends said
Dude, your sister is so fucking hot
I knew they were never talking about me.
I remember hearing the 90s TV characters say
Oh no! I can pinch an inch!
and I hated them for it
because I could pinch at least 4.
People always say that I look the most like Mom
and I still think that’s because I’m the fat daughter.
My first boyfriend lasted 2 days and he left me for my best friend
who’s taller and much thinner than I am.
I remember the sweat dripping off my chubby fingers
when Megan was upset that she couldn’t fit into
a double zero anymore
and I wanted to kick her in her flat fucking stomach
because I clearly was at least a size 14.
The day after my 16th birthday was my first trip
to the gynecologist because I hadn’t had my period
in a year and a half.
It's called polycystic ovarian syndrome,
the tiny blonde physician’s assistant told Mom and I—
it tends to make weight easier to gain and harder to lose
so I suggest trying to lose some now so that when you're 24
and you see a double cheeseburger, your thighs
won't pop out of your pants.
I meet and fuck boys from Tinder
and when I ask them if they think I’m sexy,
they tell me they love my smile.
I think they’re lying
because I don’t think they’ve ever seen it.
Toni Murabito is a senior Communication for Advocacy major with minors in Creative Writing and Public Policy and Leadership at Carlow University. She writes with the Madwomen in the Attic and her work had been featured in the 2015 and 2016 editions of The Critical Point. Toni's work focuses on body image, mental illness, and sexuality.