the smell of butter
/Rowan Waller
I remember the first red stain
it was in the middle of a movie at the
AMC near my house
my little bladder couldn’t handle
the over-sized blue raspberry Icee
so I ran to the popcorn-scented bathroom
to realize I was a woman
I stuffed an entire roll of toilet paper
between my legs and waddled back to my
seat in the dark secretly grateful because
I needed something to complain
about with the other girls at the lunch table
who had to wear bras and shave twice a week
they said men could smell blood
before you even realized
you had any
Author’s Note: This poem was inspired by true events! As a young girl, I developed slower than some of my classmates who hit puberty pretty early on. Middle schoolers can be quite cruel as they try to find their place in the world, and I was often the target of bullying for things I could not control (like when my body would begin menstruation).
Looking back now, I'm glad I got to enjoy a few more years without monthly cycles, but at the time I was so desperate to fit in that I wanted to be in pain like the other girls. I was in such a rush to grow up without realizing all the complications and dangers that womanhood entailed, hinted at by the poem's final lines "...men could smell blood | before you realized | you had any.”
Rowan Waller is an educator, rock climbing guide, and Emergency Medicine student based in Durango, Colorado. She spends most of her time working with learners of all ages in the San Juan Mountains and loves giving back to her community any way she can. When she isn't working, she can be found writing about a childhood spent growing up in the southern plains, dreaming up big climbing adventures to go on, or running with her rescue dog "Oatmeal".
